If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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