I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
