I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My ass is underappreciated
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
