Her vagina should come with caution tape.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
