The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
