If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
