Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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