I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
