i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
