i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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