I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
