Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
