Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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