why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
