WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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