living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
