I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
