I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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