Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Hippo gnu deer
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
