carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
