She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
