Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
