Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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