Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
