The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
