My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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