and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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