She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
