did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Someone shit on the floor
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
