Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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