I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
