i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
