Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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