I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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