i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
