where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I checked into jail on foursquare
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
