WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
