Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
