don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
