I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
