UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
