im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
