bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
