Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
