Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
