i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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