I cockslap morals
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
