I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
