The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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