for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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