It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
