Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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