before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
You did what with his pubic hair?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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