I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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