2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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