Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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