Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
