I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
