I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
