I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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