I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
